The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Drunk is not a location!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
