This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
