I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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