He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
