I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
