You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You left your phone here
Wait...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
