Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Pooping to opera.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
