May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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