my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
