i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
