who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
