i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
