I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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