This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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