I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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