i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
