the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize