Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
