We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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