im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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