I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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