I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I had to cum in my sink.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
