Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize