I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Someone came in the potted fern
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
