the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
We need to rekindle our bromance
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I can't turn off my feet"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
