Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
