My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize