he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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