we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
