I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
