Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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