This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
