I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
