its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
