She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
where are my eyebrows?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize