Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize