my shit smells like andre
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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