after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
