12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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