I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
