Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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