My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
