just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
