I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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