"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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