awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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