mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize