thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
