i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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