but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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