I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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