Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
