If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
