How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
