i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
