He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
