I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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